GG Miller

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.

Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I wasn't close to my father when he died, which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.

What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?

The pizza guy shows up when you call him.

Why do some kids have water with their cereal?

Because their dad never came back with the milk.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.

Why do so many kids love boomerangs? Because they always come back.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?

Because they don't have a Father's Day.

What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.

What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it's poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use a honeycomb.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

I don't want to brag, I finished the puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.