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What do you call the space in between Kim Kardashian's breasts?

Silicon Valley.

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say "bitch" and "bastard." He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him surprised and said, "A bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say "ass" and "shit," so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean?" His dad says, "A shit is shaving cream like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom?" Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "fuck," so Johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean, mom?" She looks over at him and says, "Fuck means carving, like what I'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says, "Welcome bitch and bastard, may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask where his parents are. Johnny responds with, "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

What's a footlong and slippery?

A slipper.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.