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What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?

Toothpaste.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat.

What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.

What's a footlong and slippery?

A slipper.

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

Meme