im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
Anonymous
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging
Somebody asked me whats that on your arm I just said "My cats got ocd"
Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”
“What type of book is it?”
“An autobiography.”
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure Wonderful saying, Horrible way to find out you were adopted.
Ever heard of the show naked and afraid? thats what i call hide and seek with my uncle.
Little Johnny was sitting in class, and he was behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" And Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" And the teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. Then, the teacher asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" And the teacher says, "Yes Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gave Little Johnny an angry glare, and she turns around. And then, the teacher asks the class, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" and Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time in the back, and Sally jumps, turns around and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.
3 citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI, their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot them, he walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario, he put the gun up but couldn't pull the trigger so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario, he walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Why do orphans love boomerangs? Because they actually come back.
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
I got a ps5 for my brother, best trade i've ever made
Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.