We jokes

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

I got a GTR yesterday, now my kids say, "GTR we there yet?"

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

Why was Liverpool better than Man United? We won 5-0, and you have a sex offender on your team.

I was an orphan as a kid, and I'm pretty sure my favorite thing was seeing parents with their kids.

I think we know why.

Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

Your forehead is so big that NASA went to discover Mars, but then they said, "Oops, wrong planet. Mars is smaller than this, we will discover it later."

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.

And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.

God made Adam and Eve have sex right out the gate.

Then he made teenagers horny... yet here we are with a so-called "rise in teen pregnancy."

I wish we could implant all parts because I could have used some car parts from Stephen Hawking after he died.

If we can't say "God" in vain, why does He get to?

Little Johnny asked the teacher why you were no shirt. Teacher says, "Because I want to." The teacher drops her pencil and picks it up. The class starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" A kid took off your bra, and we see your squish sexy boobs.

Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.

The British: We drive on the left side of the road.

Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*

There were 3 blonde scientists...wait that’s not the joke. The first one said “we are going to pilot the first unmanned spacecraft to land on the sun.”

The second one said “but we can’t do that - if we get within 5 feet of the sun we’ll freeze to death!”

The third blonde says “so we go at night.”

Terrorist: We can go over it, we can’t go under it, let’s go through it.

A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

A pancake and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”