The jokes
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to his job at KFC!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.
Why was the T-rex so angry? You would be angry too if your arms were too short to masturbate.
How do they execute paraplegics?
With the electric wheelchair.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.
Why was the boy crying?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
Why did the liberal cross the road?
(Ah, fuck this shit, I'm gonna kill myself!)
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a sack of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."
Yo mama so stupid that when the mirror cracked, she tried to order another one.
What is the reason for the first time since I've seen a lot to be desired in the morning? To you, eat ass...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get the Chinese Daily!
Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!
Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
...
...
Their knees.
*Ba dum tss*