The jokes

I told the emo girl that I bet she's jealous of the hanging lights in the gym.

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

Why was the orphan so successful?

When the options were either go big or go home, he only had one option :(

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown.

But the punch line is too long.

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"

How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"

How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

Once a man goes to a restaurant. Then, he was waiting until the waitress comes and tells him that they don't have food.

He was grumpy, but the waitress make him relaxing by unbuttoning her pants and undressing her panties and uncovering clothes from her pussy until everything get striped, then she say to him: "Good meal."

Mmm, I'm Walter McWhitey, I'm from the newest Mexico.

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

The priest is in jail now.

When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,

So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"

Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

Why can't there be a gay disabled person?

Because a fruit can't be the same as a vegetable.