The jokes
"Don't sneeze!"
Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.
Also,
"It dangles and swung!"
Language art quizzes are the best.
The son margarine shows his father his test that he failed.
Father: Son, you can do butter!
What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"
Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."
Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"
Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"
Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."
Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"
Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."
His wife shut off the internet.
Where did Lucy go in the bombing... Everywhere.
Did you hear about the four foot tall psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large.
What is the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus!
There was a dino at the library today.
It was reading a thesaurus.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims: they went through a hundred stories in 10 seconds.
Your mamma's so fat, the aliens call her their mother ship!
HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.
Why did the person peel his skin off? Because he wanted to.
What did the 90s rocker Space Engineer in multiplayer Miner yell at the Troll stealing his stuff?
"Hey! give me my Nickelback!"
The wedding was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers.
An assassin is about to shoot his target, "I'm about to give you the JFK experience."
I went to the store, and yeah...
Joker: How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
Person: Because he felt it in his bones?
Joker: He read the weather forecast, you f*cking idiot.
The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.
Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now.
But the vet charged me six quid.