Else

Else jokes

Christmas

    • A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.

    On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."

    On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.

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    • Cat

    • My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

    She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

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    • Heart

    • Man: What's up?

    Me: I'm annoyed.

    Man: Why?

    Me: I stole my gf's heart.

    Man: So why are you annoyed?

    Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.

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    • Guy

    • I was 11 or 12 at the time.

    Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

    If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

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    • Planet

    • Gay person to girl: What’s your favorite planet?

    Girl: Penus-(penis)(venus), and what is yours?

    Gay person: What else, it's Your Anus (Uranus)!😅

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    • Snowman

    • Two kids are out in the cold, with downpours of snow erupting from the clouds.

    One of the kids says something: "Can we build a snowman that is going through puberty?"

    The other kid says something else: "Yes. It sounds cool."

    After a while, the snowman was finished, and some words jut out of the first kid's mouth: "Wow! Look at that snowman! It's got hair all over, but I think it's missing something though."

    The other kid jumps a little and begins speaking: "Oh, I know what it is!"

    After a while, a body part made of a carrot and two cucumbers appears on the snowman's crotch. It is a penis and a ballsack.

    The first kid speaks: "Icy what you did there."

    The other kid replies: "Good thing I didn't slip up there."

    The first kid replies: "Well, that's snow problem."

    The other kid then uttered this: "These puns would make the most frigid individual crack up."

    The first kid then says: "I know, right?"

    They then begin a snowball fight.

    The other kid then says: "Only the men have snowballs!"

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    • Blender

    • Person 1: Why did you put the baby feet first into the blender? Person 2: To see his facial expression. Why else?

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    • Parent

    • If you have sex and your African parents find out,

    “You can do the boom boom. But you can not do the boom boom in my house. Do it somewhere else."

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    • Wife

    • Who did Stephen Hawking love more than anyone else?

    His wife, "Eye," who was also bad at running.

    Alligator

    • A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.

    A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.

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