Dais jokes
An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.
Q: Give a man a day of therapy, he'll be sad for then and on.
A: Give a man a noose, he'll be sad for the rest of his life.
One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"
I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.
One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.
I work as an IT technician. The other day, I had to fix Cristiano Ronaldoâs laptop. He pointed to a message on the screen saying, âDo you consent to cookies?â He said that he doesnât eat cookies and doesnât know what consent means, so thatâs why he called me.
How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.
Get a calculator.
Okay, anyways, Sally has 69 bottles of boobs (because she is a cannibal that collects boobs) and her friend said it was 222 many. She got caught by the police and was taken to 51st Street. She got arrested for x8 days, so she was BOOBLESS.
I went to a feminist picnic the other day.
It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
The Good Old Days.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
My dad and I were fishing one day.
Thatâs where he met my stepmom.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They donât have Motherâs Day or Fatherâs Day.
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.
A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
I saw a monkey outside of school and said, "Look, a monkey!" I got expelled the next day.
What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.