And jokes

Add joke

Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.

Little Johnny got a dog without ears, and then they invited their neighbors over. Then they asked what his name was. The owners said, "We didn't name him anything, because there's no reason. Because when we called his name, he wouldn't come."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marrahwanah.

Jack got high, slapped her thigh, and then they had some fun.

Jill forgot to take her pills, and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill’s real name was Randy.

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

How are Kobe’s death and people in 9/11 the same? They both hit the ground really hard.

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.

He shouts “you stupid cunt!”

The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”

Dodi replies...:

“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

(People will then say "r")

Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

What does a frozen loading screen and a Make-A-Wish kid have in common?

They both couldn't make it all the way.

What do the Flintstones and the building next to the Twin Towers have in common? They both live next to the rubble.

There are two doors leading to Heaven: one for henpecked husbands and one for unhenpecked husbands. The line to the door leading to Heaven for henpecked husbands was five abreast and five miles long. The line leading to the door to Heaven for unhenpecked husbands consisted of only one lonely man.

The guys from the henpecked husband line looked at the one man in the unhenpecked husband line and shout, “Hey, Charlie, why are you standing over there for?” Charlie glances over his shoulder and observes a sea of humanity of henpecked husbands as far as the eye can see and says grudgingly, “I don’t know. My wife told me to stand here.”

Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.

"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."

This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.

"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."

Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.

The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.

The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.

Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.

The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.

After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."

"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?

Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.

When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.

Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.

Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."

Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.

Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.

"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.

Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"