And jokes
What does Justin Bieber and a rabbit have in common?
They're both adorably cute and everyone loves them except for Justin Bieber.
So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.
Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”
Person #2: “No, you can have it.”
Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”
Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.
Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”
What's the difference between being gay and straight? Well, it is the hole.
What's the difference between me and the rest of America?
I love one and hate the other.
What do McDonald's and priests have in common?
They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.
What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.
Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.
What's overcrowded and uncomfortable?
My mind.
On a winter day many play.
Some with snow, and I with ice Used as a device to slice Somehow I'm colder now.
What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?
I don’t turn on a light switch.
What do emos and the Lorax have in common?
They both hang with trees.
Jump in the Cadillac. (Girl, let's put some miles on it.) Anything you want. (Just to put a smile on it.) You deserve it, baby, you deserve it all, And I'm gonna give it to you. Gold jewelry shining so bright, Strawberry champagne on ice, Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like. Lucky for you, that's what I like, that's what I like.
-Tommyinnit
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"
Did you hear the passengers on the Titanic invited Yo Momma and the Titanic crew said, "Man overboard!"
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni and got plane.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck.