And jokes

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

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    • There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved

    When Mother Teresa went to heaven, she was greeted by Saint Peter with a halo for her dedication to the needy. After walking around for a while, she saw Lady Diana with a bigger halo. She got angry at Lady Diana and went to Saint Peter and asked him why she had a bigger one, and Saint Peter said, "Oh, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel."

    Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

    Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

    A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

    A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

    An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:

    Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."

    Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"

    Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."

    Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"

    Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

    A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

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    • Islamic pubs and bars are the worst.

    You can't drink alcohol or dance.

    Women can get stoned though, no questions asked.

    How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.

    Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."

    I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

    It's my New Year's resolution.

    Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.

    That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:

    How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.

    Falco: Dreaming of a day when I don’t hear people say I’m a knockoff Fox, knockoff Fox.

    Fox: Dreaming of a day when you die in a fire and I get all your aerial skills.

    Falco: Wat...

    Two Indians are walking beside a river...

    One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

    "The White Man was here."

    "How can you tell?"

    "We're speaking English, aren’t we?"