And jokes

Evan, me and your mom are done with you.

Doctor approaches a patient in Hospital and says, "I have some good news and bad news."

So the patient says, "What is the bad news?" the Doctor replies, "I have had to amputate both your legs." So the patient says, "Well, what is the good news?" The Doctor replies, "I have found someone to buy your slippers."

I always loved going to Bill Cosby's house; he always greeted me when I woke up with "Rapey-rapey, eggs and bakey."

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

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Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?

Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.

Boy: Okay, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Brick.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.

Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."

What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?

One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.

Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.

In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.

The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.

The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.

I am counting my fingers and get nine. Why?

When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.

And into a children's birthday party.

What's the difference between 20 and 14?

9 to 10 years.

When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,

Then the speed bump starts screaming.

The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.

I was walking, and I saw an orphan, and I said, "Where are your parents?"

A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?

Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.