How many Emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They all just sit in the dark and cry.
All people on here, what's your least favorite hunting rifle? Mine's Sako-85.
Why is the orphan failing all his classes? He can't do homework.
Do depressed people hate swimming?
They hate it because they are already drowning in their depression, but they love it because it might make all their dreams come true.
Ur mama so fat that when she went to the ocean, all the whales started singing, "We are family," even knowing your fatter than me.
If you say "slay" in my comments I will follow all of you lmao who are signed in.
Orphans have tasted all cookies except for homemade ones.
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now FiancΓ©e, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."
So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?
Me: 'Cause life is a joke and weβre all slacking it off.
"My friend and her boyfriend were kissing until she puts her tongue down his throat, and what happens next is really weird."
The tongue gets stuck in his throat and starts to guh-guh-gughhh trying to get her tongue out of his throat, but it cumssssss out with spit all over his tongue, then they break up because he didn't want that to happen ever again...:/
To all my haters, keep sucking. I'm about to cum.
Why can't all orphans learn about ancient Egypt? Because they don't know what a mummy is.
There was 1 gay guy, who kissed 4576 gay guys. Then had sex with them, creaming so hard, all of the dicks cumming on his face.
Then he stopped and had sex again x6, now he was left with...
All these 9/11 jokes need to stop.
My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loves: flying planes.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
Your hairline so bad that when your teacher puts you to sit in the front of the class, your hairline be all the way in the back.
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
A guy was doing bad things and died and went to hell.
Demon: Why you sad?
Guy: Iβm in hell, canβt you see?
Demon: Well, we have fun here at hell.
Guy: Really? Nice.
Demon: We do sleeping in on Mondays.
Guy: OoOoOo
Demon: Tuesdays we swim in our lava or dive in fire. If you die, youβre already dead β οΈ
Guy: Ok, does that mean Iβm a ghost?
Demon: No, you're not a ghost.
Demon: Wednesdays we do a dance party and smoke and drink πΊ
Guy: Ooooooo, I canβt wait π
Demon: Thursdays we drink all day until we throw up and die, and you're already dead, remember that?
Guy: Ok, but I am dead, and if I die again, I was already dead, right?
Demon: Yup.
Demon: I have a question: Are you gay, and do you like kissing fire girls, and if you die, you are already dead?
Guy: Ummm, I am not gay, and I donβt like kissing fire girls π±π±π±
Demon: Then you wonβt like Friday or Saturday or Sunday, heheh.
Guy: Iβm dead for real in the hell πͺ¦π΄ββ οΈβ οΈβ οΈπ
Hell helll helll R.I.P hell is gone for now.
It was raining sadly all day. My wife, my two daughters, and me were stuck in the house when wifeβs mom and dad just died.
Wife: πππI wish this never happened.
Mia, our first daughter: Mommy, itβs ok. I love whenever I see youπ₯°π₯°
Abby, our second daughter: I love you all. Only if you guys die I wonβt, but I love you when you're alive ππ
Me, husband: What kind of nonsense was that? You love us when weβre alive, but you donβt love us when weβre deadπ€₯π₯π
Everyone except Abby: Abby, this is serious. Mommyβs mother and father died. Mia says: Yes, your mom is sadly down right now, you made her more sadπ‘π€¬. Dad says: *sniffs* Abby, I had made a discussion. I will take you to an orphanage. I am sorry π£ when I am better and happy and I forgot what you said then weβll get you back. Mom says:
This was not a joke. I just did this for Love π
Why are kids so skinny?
Parents eat all the food themselves, and let the kids starve.
