I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."
Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?
Barack Obama.
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
The reason why I stopped eating salads was not to be unhealthy; it was so I don't need to eat the wheelchairs along with all those fucking vegetables.
What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?
Cot death.
Stephen Hawking tried joining some music bands, but all of them rejected him... except Daft Punk.
Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"
A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes."
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Were you born on the side of the highway because that’s where all mistakes happen?
Let me tell you a story.
There once was a bro who constantly choked on chodes.
He didn't want his bros to ever know that he constantly choked on chodes.
He lived in a dorm, and all day he watched porn, but still he would suck on some corn.
One day he would go to choke on some tasty chode, but his bros found out, gave him a shout, and kicked him out yelling that he broke the bro code.
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.
After a minute, a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.
The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"
When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend, he said, "It's simple, she pushes all the right buttons."
A man is at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A few years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
