welcome to hell

These two guys were texting each other.

Guy 1: How are you?

Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here. Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*

Guy 1: ???

Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)

Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?

My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”

I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.

Why couldn’t the bike stand up? Cuz it was too tired.

I started crying when Dad started cutting onions.

Onions was a good dog.

Orphans eat their cereal with water because their dad never came back with the milk.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

Your forehead's so big that I was tryna figure out if that was you or the moon.

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:

Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*

What do you call someone with no nose and no body?

Nobody knows.

Sans: What do you have there?

Frisk: A KNIFE!

Sans: NOO!!!

The umpire and the catcher were having a conversation. The runner slid into home, “I slid into this conversation.”

Who knows? Maybe the end of the world will be made in China too.

Did you know penguins can fly if you throw them hard enough? Just like children!

Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.

Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶

Where do you bring a canoe that doesn’t feel good?... The boat dock.

What do guns and gum have in common?

When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.

If you get a new bed, you have more bedroom, but less bedroom.