welcome to hell

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

These two guys were txting each other.

Guy 1: How r u?

Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*

Guy 1: ???

Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)

Didja hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint? My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”

I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her.

Why couldn’t the bike stand up? Cuz it was too tired.

I started crying when dad started cutting onions. Onions was a good dog.

Orphans eat their cereal with water cause their dad never came back with the milk.

My friend: Hey, why u always smiling? Me:Cuz life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

Ur forehead’s so big that I was tryna figure out if that was you or the moon.

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop, it went a little bit like this:

Me; dude, leave her alone. Him; beat it b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me; ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis Him; *walks away*

What do you call someone with no nose and no body?

Nobody nose

Sans: What do you have there? Frisk: A KNIFE! Sans: NOO!!!

The umpire and the catcher were having a conversation, the runner slid into home, “I SLID into this conversation.”

Who knows? Maybe the end of the world will be made in china too.

Did you know penguins can fly if you throw them hard enough? Just like children!

Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms. I can do anything u normal people can do. Me: 🎵If you’re happy and u know it clap ur hands! 🎶

Where do you bring a canoe that doesn’t feel good?... the boat dock

What do guns and gum have in common?... when you pull one out, everyone wants ta be your friend.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?....... Frostbite.

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.