(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
welcome to hell
I like video games, books, and writing. (Drawing too I guess) I’m simple. I’m quiet. I have a lot of jokes to tell. And I fucking love to call people names.
Your forehead's so big that I was tryna figure out if that was you or the moon.
Jimmy: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Joe: Why?
Jimmy: To get to the idiot’s house.
Jimmy: Knock knock.
Joe: Who’s there?
Jimmy: It’s the chicken.
When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!
My cousin: “How’s the lemonade stand supposed to run when you’re at softball practice?!”
Me: “Lemonade stands can’t run, dufus.”
What is it called when a cop hides under his bed? Going undercover.
How'd the skeleton know it was going to rain? He looked at the weather forecast.
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?
For fingering the minor.
I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Sans: What do you have there?
Frisk: A KNIFE!
Sans: NOO!!!
What does a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What do guns and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
Q: What kinda bees give milk?
A: Boobees.
Orphans eat their cereal with water because their dad never came back with the milk.
The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)
Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.
Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?
My enemy likes to act like he’s stupid sometimes, and so once he asked me what a sin was, and I responded with, “you.”