Nightmare

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without kids.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

What’s a lesbian’s favorite Pokemon?

Squirtle.

Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.

What is a Necrophiliacs favorite band?

Coldplay

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

"Just say NO to drugs!" Well, If I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.