I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised.
Allan C.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education. They were both druids.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number. She especially looked great going down the stairs.
I really like those 'driverless cars'. I saw loads of them last week, in the car park.
I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept. I can't say the next one because I have a huit allergy.
I went on a ballooning holiday recently. I put on four stone.
I think the pollen count is a difficult job. Especially if you have hayfever.
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
I hate sitting in traffic, I always get run over.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window. As we played hide and seek and she said: "You're getting warmer!".
If you ever get chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Hello, I'm C-3PO. And this is my brother, WD-40
And Mary said God had given her a child. So Joseph went and joined 'Fathers For Justice'.
The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old, that my pussy is haunted".
On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.
When I give you the signal, I want you to roll down your window and call the oncoming cyclist a prick.
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of. You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
Welcome to Blind Date. With me, Stevie Wonder!
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs and no body. He will be known as "The Head".
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met, the perfect birthday gift. Chlamydia.