The jokes
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.
What’s the name of the band in the gay bar?
A: Beers for Queers.
I was walking down the street one day, and I passed the gun store. I walked in, and everything was half off. I didn’t know back-to-school sales had started already!
One day, little Billy came in, pulling up his pants. The teacher asks, "Where have you been, Billy?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, little Willy came in. The teacher asked, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." Ten minutes later, little Johnny came in. The teacher says again, "Where have you been?" He says, "On top of Beverly Hill." A few minutes later, a girl came in. The teacher says, "Who are you?" She says, "I'm Beverly Hill."
What does Joyce from the show "Stranger Things" say when she has a flat tire? "Wheil, wheil, wheres wheil?"
What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a computer? Ctrl+Alt+Delete.
I don't even know why to joke about America, it's a joke itself TO THE FUCKING EARTH!
What is the difference between a horse and a rabbit?
A horse can't hoop.
You're the wrist-slitting simulator champion!
What did the cat say when he fell off the table?
MEOM!
If an apple and an emo kid fell out of a tree, which would hit the ground first?
The apple, because the rope caught the emo kid.
Two kids were beating up a ginger kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the floor.
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman?
Batman returns.
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?
Cause that's the only way they get love.
What's the difference between genocide and mass murder?
Genocide is racist.
Yo mama is so fat and old, when Jesus said "Let there be Light!" he told your mama to move out of the way!