Pessimist jokes
An optimist says, "The glass is half full."
A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."
Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"
What do you call a booty that’s always negative?
A pessimist-cheek.
What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican't.
If at first you can't succeed, then wait to be the last!
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"
There were once these two twins. One twin, no matter what happened, was always pissed off, while the other one was always happy.
This baffled scientists, so they ran an experiment on the twins to figure out what was happening. They took the angry one and left him in a room with all of the latest technology and the most expensive toys and left him overnight. When they came back, he was still grumpy. When they asked him why, he said, "None of these are actually mine, and you left me in here all night, so I'm angry!"
His explanation was reasonable, so they ran another experiment on the other kid. This time, they left him overnight in a room that was literally just filled with horse shit. When they came back to check on him the next morning, he was still smiling. When they asked him why, he said, "With all of this horse crap, there has to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."
The optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The feminist thinks the glass is raping them.