Off jokes

Times have been so tough lately, I have had to jerk off the dog just to feed the cat.

I'm doing a new thing where you say an object in the comments, and I will try to make a joke based off the object.

If you are interested, you can submit an object in the comments.

I will give the person credit each joke I do.

The news of the brother getting sucked off regularly by his sister spread really fast... all over her face 🤤.

Jefferey Dahmer asked his husband a question.

His husband said, "What's your question?"

Jefferey Dahmer said, "You want to know what is my favorite type of tree?"

His husband said "Yes?"

Jefferey said, "Morning Wood, now take off your pants!"

How do you have sex? You take off your clothes and shove your dick in the girl's pussy. If girl suck his dick.

Hi, I was a feminist until I realised that:

A. Feminism is just a pile of dumb shit.

B. That men are actually treated unequally.

SO

we should all say sorry to the boys for pissing them off.

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

  • 6

    • I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!

    One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

    Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

    "Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

    "I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

    Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

    Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

    Santa: "Done!"

    Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

    Santa: "Done!"

    Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

    Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

    Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

    So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

    After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

    Man: "I am 35 years old."

    Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

    What’s the easiest way to make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail—it’ll be delighted!

    My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

    If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

    Two lepers playing cards... one threw his hand in; the other laughed his head off.

    Setting: Funeral Home

    Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.

    Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.

    Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?

    Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.

    Customer: Okay?

    Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.

    By: MiniMemorials.com

    Why did Susie fall off the swing?

    Because she had no arms.

    "Knock knock."

    "Who's there?"

    "Not Susie!"

    Q: Why did the first Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.

    Q: Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead too.

    Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the other two Koalas on the way down.

    Q: Why did the fourth Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.

    Q: Why did the fifth Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was curious to see where the others were going.

    Q: Why did the sixth Koala fall off the tree? A: It was tied to the fifth koala.

    Q: Why did the seventh Koala fall off the tree? A: Peer group pressure.

  • 0