Q: why did Sally drop her ice cream? A: she go hit by a bus.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Today, there was a big test for Little Timmy. During the test, Timmy had to take a really huge shit. So, he rushed to the bathroom. He took a while in there.
When he was done, he realized there was no more toilet paper left. Since there was nothing around him to use, the only thing he could do was wipe with his hand. His time in the bathroom was up, and he needed to finish that test! He didn’t have time to wash his hands. So, he hurried back. The problem was, the hand he wiped with was his right hand. He used his left hand to complete the test, which made him fail. When he got home, his mother was standing there crossing her arms. “Timmy, the teacher had called and said you wrote sloppy on your test. Why is that?” Timmy replied, “Oh, it’s because I caught a leprechaun with my right hand, but if I opened it, my classmates would scare him away, so I had to use my left.” Timmy’s mother glared at him with disbelief. “Timmy, I don’t believe you. Now open your hand!” Timmy did so and opened his hand. “See, mother? I said you’d scare the shit out of him!”
What did the Queen Bee says to her bees? Beehive yourselves!
yo mama so fat when god said let there be light! she blocked the sun.now we call her the moon
yo mama so fat she asked for a water bed and they gave her the ocean
Yesterday I asked an emo girl if shes jealous when her phone dies.
How did Helen Keller parents punish her?
They told her to go find the light.
joe mama so dumb i took a picture of her last christmas and it is still printing
Yo Mama so fat when I pushed her into the jacuzzi it caused a level 8 tsunami.
My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort
I went up the temp girl and slapped her tests and said- “I like ya cut g”
yo mama so fat flash couldnt run around her
My sister thinks she sooooo smart, she said that the only food that makes you cry is onions therefore I threw a coconut her.
yo mama so fat that if we cut her open we could stop world hunger
what's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my my other girlfriend.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
Why didn’t the emo attend her grandma’s funeral?
She thought her grandma was trying to flex.
yo mama so big her belt size said equator
