Talk!

la la la laa

hello

i just finished a really good book last night

thats good whts it abt

its about this girl getting over her ex who killed himself

and moving on in life

and finding his daugheter not knowing he had one

and then she finds the love of her life

oh, thats actually sounds interesting

and reconnects with her dead exes family

in the start she falls off a building

everyone thinks she tried to khs because her ex did

then her exes daughter shows up at her house non day

and begins to live with her (the charecter is reallt iffy about her

nd later finds on that will (her ex) didnt even know he had a dughter

and wills ex, tayna, hates her daughter lilly

so lousia takes her in

and then she goes to a grivence group

because of will

nd strts hanging out with the ambulance personw ho she re met because his sisters kid went there

and his siter was dead

damn

so then they fall in love

she thinks its jakes dad

and hates him for sleeping with her because jake yaps about how his dad uses women

then sam the ambulance guy gets shot and almost dies

nd lou realises she loves him

then lilly gets a new home with her new found grandmother

and then idk hapy ending blah

i almost cried when sam almost died

ts was sad

its called

uhm

after you

my dad does NOT use women

not you

the person in the book

I know lmao

jake guess what

i got lathaiels ip adi

guess who doesn't care

me

jake

stfu

dang

bro idk why but like my bi-polar has been kicking me deep in the stomach lately

hey, i need some lyirc suggestions

like suck small things make me mad

such

suck

haha

and people just annyo me badly

suck

my mood swings are off the chars

guys

I came up with a fire bar like 2 weeks ago and I forgot

so bummed

my dog is having a sezuire

uh oh

it happpesn alot

my grandma's dog used to have this thing where his trachea would collapse

dang hope he gets better

especially at night

oooh

it was so nice trying to fall asleep listening to this dog choke on himself!

....

ok

oh

sarcasm

i took my nighttime meds last night

and i wanted to thorw up

yikes

yeah

but i think not taking my meds is strting to affect me

wow

ya think?

it's almost as it

*if

they were prescribed to you

for a reason

wow

cool

no my bpd is like acting up

just bein' real

😭

yeah

cause

you're supposed to take your medds

*meds

idgaf about my meds

GOSH FUCKING DAMMIT WHY CAN I NOT TYPE WHEN TALKING TO YOU SPECIFICALLY

hehehehe

hence why your bpd is acting up

that can be changed by a combination of cognitive reshaping and supplemental medication

ill start taking my anti physcotis when i start seeing and hearing shit again

😭

im being so fr

i got hospitalized cause i was hearing things

...

😭

i just genuingly hate taking meds

and they offerd other things like shots and like shit you put in appleauce and ignored me when i said yeah anything but pills

LIKE WHY OFFER IT IF YOUR NOT GOING TO GIMMIE IT

I SAID SHOTS ARE FINE

fucking autsitic doctor

the applesauce shit goes crazy I used to take one of those when I was a wee little lad

look where that's gotten you

i usually take meds jake

every pill they said take i took.

pills only go so far

if you believe you're broken then you can't be fixed

i dont belive im broke

they could give you a placebo and if you had the right mindset it would work

same goes the other way

i just am done taking pills

why

because every time i take even a small one i go into a panic attack

witch has been recently senign me into manic episodes

le sign

every time i take one i fel like i over dosed ahh over again

im shakey i wanna throw up

its not fucking fun

i asked for anything BUT PILLS

but they gave me fucking pills

so im done taking them

you should really work with a GOOD therapist to help you see things in a new way and make gradual changes to improve your overall well-being

i have a good therapist

and i just got her too

good

listen to what she says

be honest

fully transparent

and don't hold on to any negative ideas or habits

true change and success requires sacrifice

k

no like

im being genuine

keep that in mind

I was super against therapy and stuff till my parents dumped me into an intensive program for my OCD a few years ago

And thankfully I worked with a really good therapist who helped me to be accepting of change

my parents are trying to put me into a certain therapy

which I hated

the best thing I did was to let it go and trust her

EMDR therapy

And let go of my own thought patterns and be open to new things

witch is for trauma but i dont need it

because i dont have truama

trauma comes in a lot of different forms

i dont have trauma.

i found this place to tlak

pretty sure EMDR is for people who've repressed their trauma and need to reprocess

LMFAO THIS IS NOT A SITE FOR THERAPY

This is probably the WORST place to look for therapy

thats not what i mean

There's a very certain type of people who find websites like this

lovely perv introduced me to this site first off

second i dont mean therapy

thris im not talking abt this site

i mean i was going through google and i found like a thingy

ok well given the context and wording

anyway

still not a good idea

you invite people too it

you should stay with professional, licensed people who can ACTUALLY help you

and i dont mean for therapy

i mean to invite freinds too and talk to them

in either priv or public msg

I. Dont. Have. Trauma.

"...a series of related events that disrupt a person's sense of safety, security, and well-being."

"well-being"

I dont have fucking trauma jake

i appricate you trying to help. okay.

but i dont have it.

i can act out and it dosent mean i have trauma

You're stubborn huh

No.

Trauma doesn't have to mean like you watched someone die or idk got shot or smth

i just know i dont have trauma

it can be mild

regardless

i dont have any

none at all

nothing ever happend in my life

ever

i dont need stupid fucking

clearly some series of events has led to the gradual deterioration of your well-being

EMDR

whether you realize it or not

idc what lead to what

idc what i am

that's what therapy is for

and idc about anyhting

they help you understand that

and fix it

i.

dont

care

i dont care i dont care

i dont fucking care

and that's why you won't get better

idc

idc idc idc

idc if i get better

idc anyhting

im perfectly fine how i am

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and everyone needs to leave me be.

i dont have trauma

and idc what happens to me

charlie what are you rambling for

you can't convince yourself by repeating things

it's okay to not be okay

Im fine.

are you?

Yes.

be honest with yourself

i dont have truauma, and im perfectly fine iwht my life,

are you REALLY happy with the way things are?

and people need to stop tryna fix me.

Do you REALLY want to live the rest of your life like this?

like what

the way you're living now

with resritcons

weren't you going to commit suicide not long ago?

I wouldn't say that's fine

did i do it

?

No, but the fact that you were considering it demonstrates that you aren't as fine as you say you are

And I promise you that's okay

nobody's perfect, no life is untouched by pain

That doesn't mean there isn't hope for you though

You just have to reach for it

I know it can be scary or embarrassing or whatever to feel like you need help

Im fine.

Believe me, I'm well familiar with that

But you can't keep living like this

You have a purpose beyond this

My life is fine.

You can't convince me just by saying that

Ill leave this shit household and ill be fine.

No, you won't

You'll be stuck in the same misery

Because you don't know how to solve the problems

Because you ignore them, and deny them

And refuse to accept help

I thought the same way

Guess what

It's not true

Jake.

It's lying to yourself whether you know it or not

I dont have trauma.

Take the help while it's easy

I don't care if you don't have trauma

Regardless of that, you're not fine

Everything you do concerns me greatly and I'm done pretending it's alright

I'm very worried for the way things are heading for you

If you don't start making changes at your own volition

Whats going to happen jake.

Not what you think

nothing has ever happend to me.

nothing ever will.

Charlie look at the way you are

How you act

How you see things

There's a reason you have medication and suicidal thoughts

I don't want that to continue for you

But if you pretend it's all okay it's just going to get worse and worse

Take it from someone who did the same thing

It doesn't get better until you get vulnerable

Im not vulnerable.

Exactly my point

Im not letting anyone else in.

Im not letting anything else hurt me.

So im fine.

Do you see what I'm saying?

No.

I know it's hard and scary

Im not scared.

But there are people who genuinely want to help you

Then why won't you let anyone in?

Because.

Im enough for myself.

Fuck being honest with anyone.

Be honest with yourself then

Take a deep, inward look at yourself

And tell me you want to keep living like this

Or that you want it to keep getting worse

Do you want that, Charlie?

why are you trying to help me.

im hopeless.

You're absolutely not hopeless

I KNOW you're not hopeless

I'm trying to help you because I care about you and don't want to see you continue hurting yourself

Are you religious at all, Charlie?

i try to be, but im bad at it

It's okay, nobody's perfect

You might've heard of this verse: "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

It's from the book of Isaiah

Deuteronomy says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Look at that last part

thats a lie

He will never leave you, nor forsake you

thats a fucking lie

God is incapable of lying

thats a stupid fucking lie

THATS A LIE JAKE

Charlie

Listen to me

You are NEVER too hopeless for God

There is not a length to which He will not go to love you

thats a lie

It's a promise

ot even my parents can love me

Humans are flawed

God is not

my mom chose her bf over me and hasnt loved me sence

Have you heard John 3:16

proably

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.

yes

He LOVED the WORLD--that includes you

So much so

That He sent his own Son to be brutally killed

With humanity's sin upon his back

Just so you could be saved

YOU, Charlie

Does that make sense?

There is no greater love than to lay one's life down for another

And that was done for you

Becasue you are loved

And there is hope for you

And because God WANTS you to be in a relationship with Him

Charlie, it's never too late for that

You could never be too far gone

im fine.

Charlie

I want you to think about what I just told you

Understand the gravity of that

Understand that it's truth

i have flashbacks of the ambulance

It's okay, Charlie

jake

I promise you that you're going to be okay

jake

Yes?

why dosent my mom love me

I don't know, Charlie, I don't know how all people work

It's hard to know when someone loves you or not

Or how much even

But rest assured, you're loved unconditionally

You have been from the moment you came into this world

From before then, even

As you were delicately crafted within your mother's womb

i know people will care if i die

You are loved, and there is nothing that can change that

and i dont want to ide

I don't want you to die either

i just cant care about anyone else

everything has been spinning sense my mom told me she dindt want me anymore

i lose everything i had so i never gained anything again

People make mistakes, Charlie

Humanity is naturally sinful

jake i lost the one place that felt like home

But what people say doesn't change your worth

Your home is with the Lord

Not necessarily just in heaven

But in His presence

Even here on earth, that is your home

im scared i might have trauma

and if i do

I know, Charlie, it's okay

my dad wont let me

unless its completely my fault

because hes sick of it being anyone elses

but i couldnt fuck myself up

like ffs i was in 4th grade

I'm sorry things are like that, I know it's difficult

my mom tells me i grew up to fast

You were exposed to a lot of things you shouldn't have been

That's not your fault

i have trauma, dont i.

I think you do, but it's not as bad as you might think

There's a lot of things I think have hurt you over time, both directly and indirectly

But you can certainly move past those things, learn from them, and grow into the person you're destined to be

It's all a part of God's purpose for your life

i dont have pontential 2 be anything

Romans 8:18 says "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."

Which sounds like a lot

But it means that the ways we suffer now aren't even worth comparing to what is to come

We have to suffer because it's the only way to grow

Suffering is natural to humanity because of our own sin, but God's will is that the suffering we undergo will lead us to become new and transformed people

Renewed and freed into His glory

You are a child of the Most High, the omnipotent creator of the universe

.

He who spoke light into existence, who placed the stars in the sky, who filled the oceans and raised the mountains

He made you too, Charlie

The greatest of all His creation

That which He sacrificed everything for

i dont understand

why you are the only person

i listen to

I'm merely speaking forth the Word of the Lord

yeah dosent mean i listen to my paster

Well, it's harder to have a personal connection with a pastor

But it's the same message

You are worth loving and caring for in God's eyes, and He intends to do just that

I'll be back in just a few minutes, I have to switch classes

ok

i should prolly get off and focuous on my school work

im behind

ill ttyl i go to my moms today so ill be on

Good idea, best of luck :)

I'll be praying for you :D

Thank you, Jake.

For everything.

Of course, I hope what I've said will be helpful

yay!