Personal Update on Verbal Shutdowns

so when this happens please dnt push me to talk

if we are mid convo, just keep talking, it will come back to that

if we werent tlkaing much, just be silent for a mintue.

because pushing me to talk will make it worse and make it last longer

I promsei im not ignoring you, i can hear you, and im listening.

Was I actually tryna push you to talk, if I was I’m sorry.

Everything okay Charlie?

noo no one was

and yes everything is okay

Okay

just today got really stressfull

nad right now i cant really verbally communicate

I'm sorry about that Charlie

no its okay

That’s reasonable

i joined a party

on xbox

to a new person

and they laughed at like nothing

and it felt like it was at me

and then

i went to the gas station, witch was unexpeted, and the wind was too strong, and it was to cold

and i came here and was gonna watch a movie with my friend

but the movie i really wanted to watch he didnt

And you got overwhelmed

yeah

Just like a thought spiral

Maybe

Latelt thigns have been so weird

like im starting to pay attetoin to like smaller things

and some things bother me

Okay

nd my hands laways need to moving

Like an impulse?

and i freak out if i dont wear a certian bracelet or if i have an outfit in my head and cant find it i freak out

no like figiting

and today was alot werider

because ice cream choises stressed me the fuck out

and everything is just so stressufll

because i jsut wanted choahcle

but dyaln dosent like choclate

and then

Yeah

i ate food but i never had it so it was like

i dindt want it

but

i wanted the chiekn in it

nd that was stressufll

i just wanted chicken

i wanted meat

and there was rice and corn and weird flavors

i didnt like it

but i just wanted the chicken

Oh

and i really just want to watch that movie with someone

but not alain because he falls asleep and he neevr reacts to shows

or movies

and its a horroor movie so like

idk

Damn

what is going on with m

me

Nothing wrong

i dindt say wrong

i avoided wrong cosmo

i know theres nothing wrong

but it dosent mean nothing is going on

so what is going on

You want things to in your way but things are getting in the way and you're just getting really stressed

but why do i care abotu really small things

I'm not so sure

like my day has been so bad and overwhelming seince the ice cream thing

and i keep like figiting

figidting

like my hands keep moving i keep touching m face

but i always like pick at my face

or like simple things like shake my leg or kick them

That's just stress.

yeah

It could just be one of those days.

i just need to watch this movie with someone

You got so much stuff going on around you that you just want small things to go your way because so many big things aren't

my moms tv is so loud

nd so are the keys when i type

and i can hear when i bit my nail

nd soemthing on the bearded dragons cage keeps ticking

Sensory overload

and my brothers so loud

but not loud

hes sining

and on call

and the tv is beeping

it was just police sirens

That's depressing

but people keep talking

stop no you cant say that

I'm sorry love

because your calling me depresssing

nd now i can hear my breating

and im freaking out

I didn't say that

and now my breating is louder

nd now i cant breathe

nd now the typing is louder and faster

You know the 54321 grinding trick

and my arm hurts

no

what

o

im shaking

i wanna cry

what the fuck

theres to much noise

outside theres like a wisteling

and cars

and the wind

and a light right outside the dinwo

and i can hear my legs and arms when i move agaisnt the couch

now its a diffrent voice on the tv

Five things you see, four things you hear, three things you feel, two things you taste one think smell

a book

the ac

a cup

curling iron

the tv

the wind outside

my brother

my typing

my blanket

the cough

my headphones

Write down in your notebook. You don't need to tell me

uhm idk i have an after taste in the back of my motuh

and the top of my motuh taste normal

i smell nothing

it semlls like nothing

i cant

Oh

because then id have to get pen and papaer

and i cant write wright now its to hard right nwo

Oh

it helped then it got bad again

i can hear my nail when i flcik it

my headphones click when i move my head

my brother

Okay.

the tickng on the thingy

the tv

the sirens

the wind

the ticking again

omg

and idek what that was it sounded like a washer

Let's try something a bit different

nd i js heard soemthing get hit outside

and the typing

When i say so i want you to close your eyes.

my hand is littearly tweaking out

how will i know when to open them?

Oh crap I'm sorry my friends picking me up for something

ok bye

i dindt like that actiivty

i dont want to clsoe my eyes

alain im okay i cant reply to your email because i cant talk anywehre but wje rn its to stressfull

@abaddon

Never mind my grandma texted me

now i need to sneeze

but sneezeing hurts

i made it go away

and now my ankle hurts

You don't need to close your eyes

and the fornt of my head and my shoulder is throbbing

now just my shoulder

Stop

i can hear the sound of my foot when i pet my dog

i cant stop

i type it down so its not just in my head

Don't talk just listen

my mom just graoned

my bother just yelled

its too loud

its to loudd

i need to go for a walk?

but i cant get up!

Think of somewhere peaceful that you're always happy

no i cant chane my setting

no where

Think of the library

im not peacefl or awlays happy anwyehrre

the libary is stressfull

i have to be quick

always or i get in trouble

Oh

its so hot in here

ut also cold

What about a friends house?

its hot on my waist below and cold

no what freinds house?

v's?

she uh

Just someone

theres drugs and alhcoal there

nd i havent been to emmas

emilys is scary we awlays snuck out

savnaah

sav's house

i can breathe at her house

i dyed my hair at her house

Sure

ill go there right now

Yes

like irl

not inn my head

In your head

shes not a far walk

but she said she has plans this weekdn

my headphones fell off

You need to establish grounding strategies

oh ok

things got louder when i took my headphones off but i cant put them back on because i dindt take them off they fell off and its more comfertbale on my head but louder

Think about how you'd feel if you were to walk there, how your friend would greet you at the door

nd i moved my hair to the side and that

made thigns brighet

i dont like this techquie

because im awlays really anxious walking there

nd she dosent really greet me

she just oepns the door and like whats up

and i come inside for a bit

and its

fine

i liekd that one thing

5 things i can see

4 things i can uhhh hear?

3 things something

2 i can taste

1 something

feel

semll

i see the oculas

the xbox

the boc

box*

my book bag

my dog

i hear the tv

i hear my brother

i hear my typing

i head daniel

i feel my skin on my face

i feel my nails

i feel my blanket

the taste and smell is the same

i feel better and as long as everything stays the same i will stay fine

no it didnt stay the same my brother got louder and clapped my hes getting loudre

and the voice on the tv changed

now hes sinsign

but not good

and my shoulder hurts so fucking much

now its musci on the tv

ot voices

i need to lay down

hes yelling again

im closing my eyes laying down and breating and focousing on listening to one thing and its helping

ok that parts fine but i still cant talk

You make me so worried

im sorry.

Can he not stfu

stop please stop

Mm

im sorry

i

no

dad

mom

@mal

@cosmoidk

spiral

let me breathe again

ok

im ok

Are you sure

yes

..

Close your eyes

?

i am still in a fuckass verbal shutdown

I'm sorry Charlie i was hanging out with a friend

itsok

Hi