And jokes
I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.
I will never forget my mother and father's last words.
"Where the Sam hell did you get a grenade?"
Like, if you hate wearing a mask.
Every time I'm out in public, and I see someone without their mask, I always feel like there is something extra special about them. Then I realize that I can see all their face!
True story by the way.
Welcome to Jimmy's orphanage and pizza shop, where today's loss is a sauce. How may I help you?
VOTING QUARTERFINAL 4
LIKE: When you’re playing dead and the school shooter starts unbuckling his belt and you hear him say “This boy always had a fat ass”.
DISLIKE: When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”
Vote for the better joke. Semifinals are later or tomorrow.
VOTING QUARTERFINAL 3: LIKE: When the school shooter throws a smoke grenade into the classroom and the autistic kid thinks it’s a Disco party. 🕺🕺🕺
DISLIKE: When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering but you walk toward his gun; “I will finish what you started.”
Vote for the better joke.
VOTING QUARTERFINAL 2: LIKE: When the school shooter knocks on the classroom door and the autistic kid opens it.
DISLIKE: When the school shooter is gonna clap the football team, but his AK jams: “Take it easy guys, I was just joking!”
Vote for the better joke.
VOTING QUARTERFINAL 1: LIKE: When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid's sketchers light up.
DISLIKE: When the school shooter finds you and you think you're gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen. 🖌
Vote for the better joke!
A sister went to her brother's room and says,
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Yes, sis."
"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)
"My pet snake."
"Can I pet it?"
"Yes."
He wakes up in a hospital.
"What happened?"
"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."
"You dummy!"
"Whaaat?"
Q: Ten shepherds out in the sheep field. How do you know which one's gay?
A: He's the one the sheep fuck!
(I'm gay, and I know this joke is demeaning and inappropriate, but I still think it's funny as a 2-inch penis.)
I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.
One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.
If you punch an orphan, they can't do anything; they can't tell their parents.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?
Once they're gone, they never come back.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common? Once they're gone they never come back.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
What's the difference between kids and drugs? I don't sell drugs.
When the school shooter is right outside the classroom window, and the autistic kid starts trying to say hello to him.
I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.
Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was and pointed to me. I pushed him out of the car, and my other boyfriend took the front seat.
I was listening to WAP in my car with my four-year-old cousin, and she asked why they don't fix the holes in the house.
Then my fucking boyfriend, what a hoe, was.