And jokes

If you have 20 apples and you ate 2, how many do you have left?

0 because you have 20 and take away 2, you have 0 left.

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

I like my women like I like my diving pool:

Deep and wet.

HEY! You guys need to S T O P making Stephen Hawking jokes. He has done so much for the theoretical physics world, and THIS is how you choose to repay him? All 653 of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I went to the store, and yeah...

Is it weird that a milk carton has a date, and I don’t?

I was sitting in math class, and our teacher doesn't like it if we don't work on math in his class. So, I did science homework on top of a math book.

What’s white and crunchy and swings through trees?

A meringue-atang.

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

What's the difference between a baby and a Dorito?

One is a tasty snack, the other is a Dorito.

What's the difference between onions and babies?

I cry when I cut onions.

What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?

They are all locked in the Priest's basement.

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."

So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being dark.

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

While fucking a hot auntie, pressing tightly her boobs and fondling, He: What do you feed your babies? She: Milk and orange juice. He: Wow, which side is orange juice? 😋

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hoe? A hoe can wash her crack and sell it again.

How many screws does it take to construct a lesbian's bed?

None, it's all tongue and groove...