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I’m gonna kick some gum and chew some ass... but I’m all out of ass.

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of ten dollar bills, so he asks the bartender if it's a jar of tips. The bartender says no, it's for a bet. So the man asks what the bet is and the bartender says, "Well, if you put ten dollars into the jar then knock out the bouncer, next you go outside and remove a rotten tooth out of the rottweiler's mouth, and last you go upstairs and give an orgasm to the fat lady who has never had one. If you can do all those things then you get everything in the jar as well as free drinks for the month." So the guy puts in ten dollars, turns to the guy next to him and knocks him out with one punch. Then the guy continues outside, all you hear for an hour is screaming and whining from the dog. When all is silent, the man walks in and asks, "So where is the fat lady with the tooth?"

So I went to my friend's funeral today. As we were all leaving, a kid put a "get well soon" card next to my friend's grave. 'Poor kid'.

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    • Superman has been called to a huge house fire.

    Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"

    Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"

    Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

    I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.

    I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."

    Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?

    Sanity to live: I don't know?

    Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!

    Sanity to live? *dies*

    Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.

    Sanity to live: *resurrected*

    Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...

    (sponsored by jumping bridges)

    All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.

    They run and play along the streets of Gold.

    Why is heaven such a doggie-delight...

    Why, because there's not a single cat in sight.

    God creates a mosquito :)

    God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.

    Angel: okay... a bug.

    God: now give it’s face a sword, but it has a hole so it’s basically a mouth.

    Angel: weird... but okay...

    God: and give it wings.

    Angel: eh, not half bad Go-

    God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS

    Angel: *shook* o-okay

    God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.

    Angel: .-.

    God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give ‘em a taste ‘o that! *evil grin*

    Angel: *cries*

    Angel: *whispers; I’m so sorry..*

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    • God creates a wasp :)

    God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.

    Angel: okay... a bug.

    God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.

    Angel: weird.. but okay...

    God: and give it wings.

    Angel: eh, not half bad Go-

    God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS

    Angel: *shook* o-okay

    God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.

    Angel: . - .

    God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*

    Angel: *cries*

    Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*

    What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

    When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

    I was out ice fishing and had no nibbles all morning.

    About noon, this old guy comes out, drills a hole near mine, and starts catching fish as fast as he can bait the hook. I was getting frustrated without any luck, so I went over to ask him his secret. He said "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg."

    I said, "Excuse me, I didn't get that?" so he mumbles even louder, "Ymd ggt tm kppp tth yaems womg!" I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, but I still didn't understand what you said."

    Frustrated, the man spits out a wad out of his mouth and says, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"

    Q: What breed of dog is supposed to laugh at all of your jokes?

    A: A Chihuahua.

    Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.

    Guy: Robin

    Bank owner: Your last name?

    Guy: Debank

    Bank owner: Robin Debank?

    Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!

    I'm bone dry in material, but I have a skeleTON of skeleton jokes. After I tell you all these rib ticklers, you will have a bone to pick with if you didn't find that funny, you outta rip my spine out.

    Why didn't the bitch ass skeleton fly?

    'Cause me mum flew all the way and Trevor is a boofahead.