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My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

  • 7

    • Son: Dad, am I adopted?

    Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

  • 3

    • A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

    "Grandma, tell me a story!" I said as we huddled near the campfire.

    "Alright," she said, "Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches."

    "Where is Timmy now?" I asked.

    Grandma pointed to the campfire.

    I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

  • 6

    • A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

    The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

    The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

    The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window, and jumps out.

    The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down, and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

    The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

    The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.

    Three strangers have opened a gay chat; but if one left the chat, the chat would be closed.

    Stranger 3: How to turn a straight guy into a gay guy?

    Stranger 1: You can't!

    Stranger 2: You can.

    Stranger 3: How?

    Stranger 2: By using the same idea of the Russian experiment; like in a detention, put him in a closed room full of gay stuff, but the difference is that he can sleep, and he will have food for 30 days and a toilet, too.

    Stranger 3: Great idea, but who can we try first?

    Stranger 1: You all gays are evil monsters.

    Stranger 2: I think the stranger 1 is just a straight spy. Let's try this experi-

    (The chat has been closed by stranger 1)

    A short person should never piss off a fat person taller than them. The fat person just has to lean slightly, and it's 9/11 all over again.

  • 0

    • The twin towers are like water bottles.

    It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

  • 0

    • A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.

    A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."

    Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

    My friend told me she had a good joke and it beat all mine. I said, "Haha, that is funny!"