Shower thoughts

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How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.

The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch

What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?

They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”