In 2011, Stephen Hawking said there is no God. In 2018, God said there is no Steve Hawking.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
What were the emo kid's pronouns?
Was/were.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant person?
A kinder surprise
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
What do you call an emo kid with light-up shoes? A human chandelier.
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Well, probably the person in front of them.
I don’t know why people don’t say "Cobain," because I’m pretty sure Kurt Cobain didn’t miss his last shot like Kobe did.
What’s the difference between rape and marriage?
With marriage, you get to keep the screaming woman.
What do you call a kid laying down in the classroom? Kill confirmed.
What do you call three kids laying down in the classroom? Kill streak.
What’s the difference between a firefighter and Snoop Dogg?
Snoop Dogg inhaled less smoke during 9/11.
What’s one thing Obama proved during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he’s still going to have the cops on his back.
Why are women’s feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
A child, molester, and priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
What do you call a space Muslim?
A Tusken Raider.
Why are lesbians bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
The other day I went to a museum. My friend and I went to the Holocaust section, and he got choked up when he saw the Anne Frank picture. I asked him, "Why are you sad? It's just an ashtray."
What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?
Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.