What do you call a 5th grader with no friends?
Sandy Hook survivor
Shower thoughts
What's the difference between a black Jew and a white Jew?
The black Jew sits in the back of the oven
A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”
The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”
How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?
If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.
How does a woman scare their gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.
There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Why did Amy Winehouse snort Splenda? She thought it was Diet Coke
What does Santa Claus in Bill Cosby have in common? They both come while you’re asleep
What do a shopping cart and a wheel chair have in common... they both carry vegetables
What is the best thing about an 18-year-old girl in the shower? Slick her hair she looks 15
What’s worse than spiders On your piano Craps on your organ
How did you get into the tampon 100 Pull some strings
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
What's a kidnapper's favourite shoe? White vans
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Why did the slave go to college? To get his master's degree.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.