Shower thoughts

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What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I was at work and a few fat women came up to me and asked for some help. Later that week I ran into them on the dance floor, one of them asked me if I wanted to dance I told her no, the other asked me if I knew what was cracking, I calmly said the floor.

When your girlfriend has been vomiting for 2 weeks and you find out she’s not pregnant.

Bf-*yes I knew it was a prank*

She has cancer.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

i told my friend that there was a tree. on that tree there were four black chickens, I said how many beaks do the chickens have, he said four. then I said there was a white cat, how many teeth does it have? he couldn't answer, so I said looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy

When you accidentally turn in your suicide note instead of your essay to the teacher, but she still gives you an A.

What’s the difference between a feminist and a school shooter?

A school shooter actually makes an impact on its targets.