What’s worse than George Bush doing 9/11? Jeffrey Epstein doing nine Elevens.
Shower thoughts
Knock, knock. (Who’s there?) Little boy blue. (Little boy blue who?) Michael Jackson.
Why does a queen have more mobility than the king in chess?
Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
Why is the Rubik’s cube record holder always American? Cause Americans are really good at separating colors.
A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.
He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”
The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.
The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”
Why didn’t Anne Frank just finish her diary? Concentration problems.
How do Americans learn the metric system? 9mm at a time. problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common? Both are thinking, “Oh no! My mom’s gonna kill me!”
Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?
Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?
How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos.
What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics
not being retarded
Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?
They already lost two towers.
Man: Doctor where are you taking me Doctor: to the morgue Man: but I’m not dead yet Doctor: are we there yet
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
Jokes about ISIS are all about the execution.
What's the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, "Once upon a time..." Black begins, " Yall mutherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit"
How do you know someone has Down syndrome?
they’re doing better than you
a man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night and she said chinese food, so he took her to china. The next night, he asked her again, she said indian, so he took her to india. The next night, he asked her again, she said, "Nothin." so he took her to africa
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDS.