mal..🦆

i'll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket: "hey, look how far i can kick this bucket!!"

my girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. fair enough. i gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

i went to see my dentist and she warned me it was going to hurt. then she told me she was having an affair with my husband. good news though...the cleaning didnt hurt.

my husband left a note on the fridge that said, “this isn’t working.” im not sure what hes talking about. i opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? anyone know what he means?

my husband is mad that i have no sense of direction. so i packed up my stuff and right.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag? One is plastic and dangerous for children to play with, the other is used for carrying groceries.

i have a vest. if i cut off my arms, it's a jacket!

ever wonder why pride month is so hot? it's j a free trial of what's to come for the celebrators...

what number is better than 69? 88 cause you get ate twice.

what do priests and mcdonalds have in common? they both shove their meat between 10 year old buns