When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
"Sir, I'm afraid your son can't attend our swimming lessons anymore."
"Why not?"
"He keeps peeing in the pool."
"Well, all kids pee in the pool."
"Not from the diving board!"
I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath.....when all of a sudden.....I felt a tap on my shoulder.
Yesterday, a guy threw a litre of milk at me.
How dairy!
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines.
But catscan
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?
A meltdown.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
Why is a wet pavement like playing music?
If you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
The only thing flat earthers have to fear...
... is sphere itself.
A grasshopper jumps into a bar.
The bartender says "we've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says "seriously? Why would you name a drink named Callum?"
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son,you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honoured, I'm Dad."
"Oh waiter! Waiter!"
"Yes sir?"
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Why yes"
"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"
If all your clothes where stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?
I don't know! I don't care!