One time you walked up to a mirror but it’s shattered because of your reflection
I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO" then ran off I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"
Shut the fuck up u fat bitch u always like to roast others but u cant walk up the stairs whithout passing out u fat stupid bitch and i caught you break into someones house just to steal a peace of candy fat ass bitch.
A orphan was playing with a famous baseball player. The baseball player walks up to him and says “dude, I gotta teach you”. The orphan goes “why I got all your moves down”. The baseball player goes “but kid you can never find home though”.
There were 30 high school seniors taking finals, and once they finished, the teacher, Mrs Jones walked up and down the classroom to collect the tests, and asked "so, are you guys ready for college?" And Brian answered "no way. School is just a waste of time, every day taking *seven cruel hours of our lives*." Angela replied "never! Like Brian said, school is just a waste of time, and the next level is surely not worth paying $50,000 for. Besides, math class is *mental abuse to humans*!" And Jack said "school has been a waste of so much time I'll never get back, and after these *finals* I've realized...*fuck, I never actually learned shit*!"
abraham linkin was a good man, he jumped out the windoe with his dick in his hand and walked up to a groop of lades and said im do my dute so why dont you give me some booty
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window. When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food." When the man looked confused, the owner said; "Windows are nature's vending machine."
Why can't Stephen hawking go to heaven cause he walk up the stairs
A Son walks up to his Dad and says "I'm so gay right now! "HOW COULD YOU, I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRAIGHT!!!" Screams the Dad. "No, Gay as in HAPPY" Says the confused Son,"I'm so happy right now!" "Oh" says the Dad, "Why are you happy?" Then the Son said "Because I just got 20 dollars for sucking a guy off"
The daughter walks up to her father and he asks him “Dad can I ask you something?” The father says “Of course, what’s your question?” The daughter replies and asks “How do you feel about abortion?” The father says “Why don’t you ask your sister?” The daughter replies “I don’t have a sis-“
One day a kid walks up to there mom and asks whey is my name daisy? The mom's reply is because when you were born a daisy landed on your head. The second kid asks why is my name butterfly? The mom's reply is because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head. Then you hear ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf. Shut up brick!
I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like 'ankle biters', 'rug rats' and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.
I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, 'carpet muncher' doesn't mean what I thought it does.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. he says to the bartender "I have a deal, if i can hold my dick in the alligators mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink" and so the bartender agreed. the man, like he said, had his dick in the alligators mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. he made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. he did it and drank his drinks. then he said to the amazed crowd, "would anyone like to volunteer?" one man raised his hand. he walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "just a warning, i don't think i can hold my mouth open that long."
Two Native Americans 🥴🥴🥴
Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, "How would you boys like a blow job?" The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer. His buddy looks over and says, "Hey Joe, what did you do that for?" Joe replies, "Not sure but it was something about getting a job!"
Little Johnny was walking down a dirt country road, and he came upon a old farmer leaning against a fence looking sad shaking his head. He walked up to the the old farmer and asked him what's wrong. The Old Farmer said, " my mule, he just won't do nothing, he don't work any more, always looking sad, barely eat, just sad." Little Johnny said, "can I go talk him?" "Sure, The Old Farmer said, he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went back in the barn, seen the mule just sad, and sighing.. A few minutes laters, Little Johnny came out and said, "You're mule fixed." The Old Farmer ran in, and seen the mule laughing, just rolling, and crying laughing.. "Thank you, thank you," The Old Farmer said, and Little Johnny was on his way.. Well, a few days later, Little Johnny was walking down the same old dirt road, and came upon The Old Farmer again, looking sad.. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny asked.. "It's my mule again, ever since you talked him he won't do nothing, he won't work, just laughing all day, what did you say?" "Can I go in and talk to him again?" Little Johnny asked. "Sure," said The Old Farmer, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went in the barn and a few minutes later came back out. "Your mule fixed sir." The Old Farmer went in seen the mule 'Crying' crying really hard. The Old Farmer came running out of the barn, "Hey boy! What did you say to my mule, one day he's sad, then laughing, now he's crying, just what did you say to my mule?" Little Johnny smiled and answered, "We'll the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, this time I showed it to him"
A bully walks up to a kid named Billy to insult him and steal his lunch money. Later that night when he is at home, the bully’s father comes into his room to insult him and take the lunch money he stole. The father walks down stair to check on his father in the living room. When he walks in, his father insults him and takes the lunch money. The grandfather of the bully walks into the back yard and in the dark is Billy. The grandfather walks up to him and says “Where’s my money you worthless old fart.”
There are three men walking down the road and they come across a farm that is for sale. The three men look at each other and put all their money together to buy the farm. On that farm there is a cow a monkey and a bunch of cow food. The men are out of money and the farm is going out of business. One of the men's sees that there is a contest for the biggest cow in the county. They entered the contest but it's so thin. Every time they tried to feed the cattle it would poop and lose weight again, so one of them in suggested that they put a cork up the cows behind. The first guy says okay then go put a cork there. I don't want to do it you do it no you do it. The third guy says let's just get the monkey to do it. And the monkey puts the cork in the couch behind. They win the biggest cow contest and get the money they need to save the farm. The second guy realizes that they need to take the cork out of cow. Guys we need to take the cork out of the cow he says. Well I'm not going to do it you do it, no you do it. The third guy says let's just get the monkey to do it again. So the monkey uncorks a cow. And there was a huge explosion.... a few days later the three men wake up in the hospital. The doctor walks up to the first man what happened he asks the first man replies all I remember is that a horrible sound. The doctor walks up to the second man and asks what happened. All I remember is that horrible smell.... The doctor walks up to the third man and again ask the same question. The third man looks at him and says all I remember is that poor poor monkey trying to put the cork back in.
A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left. The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?” The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”
Walk up to an adopted kid and ask this, "hows your biological parents? they well?"
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital. Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me. But I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheel chair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically ot will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guys says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
