Waking Up jokes

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

Why make a joke when I wake up and look at myself?

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

Poker Face.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.

How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?

Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.

If chickens wake up when the rooster crows, then when do ducks wake up?

At the quack of dawn.

A 98 year old man goes to bed on a one layer bed. He wakes up under it...

Man: Hi, Doc, I have a problem. I take a shit at 6:00 AM every morning.

Doc: What's wrong with that?

Man: I don't wake up until 8:00 AM.

He never has a bad day because he wakes up on both sides of the bed.

He never has a bad day because he always wakes up on both sides of the bed.

Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up in the morning? because they don't have balls to scratch.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning and think, "Damn, better luck next time!"

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”