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No jokes

Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.

The brunette brings canteens of water.

The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.

The blonde somehow rips off the car door.

The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"

To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."

I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.

The clock struck one!

Then down did come!

Hickory dickory doc

What am I?

Random- a mouse?

Me- no dumb shit!

Random- what is it?

Me- the guillotine!

My sister got mad when I told her to say this word 10 times, and she got in trouble, and it was a funny word that she did not even know what she was saying, ahhahaha! 😆 lol

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite!

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.

Woman: I hate your hair color, though.

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you dead.

R.I.P.

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: F*** you, pedophile!

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.

Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch!

Woman: How dare you!

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying "I AM KING OF THE WORLD!"

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer.

What do u call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no eyed deer.

What do u call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls? Still no f*#$in eyed deer.

Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."

Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

  • 4

    • A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

    Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

    Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

    Man: "But I am already in love with you."

    And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

    The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

    Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

    And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

    Man: "And here is some candy."

    And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

    One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

    Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

    Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

    The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

    And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

    999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

    Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

    999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

    1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

    Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

    And the police show up.

    First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

    The girl points to the man and says "This man."

    Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

    Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

    Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

    When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

    One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

    The police see him and run after him.

    Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

    The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

    And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

    According to all known laws of aviation,

    there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

    Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

    The bee, of course, flies anyway

    because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

    Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

    Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

    Barry! Breakfast is ready!

    Coming!

    Hang on a second.

    Hello?

    - Barry? - Adam?

    - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.

    Looking sharp.

    Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

    Sorry. I'm excited.

    Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.

    A perfect report card, all B's.

    Very proud.

    Ma! I got a thing going here.

    - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!

    - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!

    Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!

    I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.