Dying jokes
Did you know pigeons die after sex?
Well, at least the one I fucked did.
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
My great grandfather died in 9/11.
He was such a good pilot.
My grief counselor died just the other day.
He was so good though, I didn't care.
Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!
Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*
Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
What did Michael Jackson say before he died, as far as his childhood? "This is it."
My fish died, and I didn't do anything. I just took my fish for a walk.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
I bet emos get jealous when their phone dies.
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
What's a dying person's least favorite app? TikTok.
My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."
Everybody was kung flu dying.
It traveled as fast as lightning.
2020 was expert timing.
In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Did the people of England see a "game over" sign in the sky when the queen died?
Life lesson guys:
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.