Dying jokes

Yo mama is so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

"Sing in music lesson"

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."

So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.

I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.

Chuck Norris once stared a basilisk in the eye, and it DIED!

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

How did Steven Hawkings die?

His wife tripped over his charging plug when he was at 2% battery.

Today I passed the exams to be a funeral director!

Too bad it's a dying trade. :)

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.

Man #1: Pretend your age is a level, I am Level 20.

Man #2: My son died at level 4.

Man #1: Lol, your son is a noob.

Why did the orphan cry? Because he was an orphan and he watched his parents die.

What do Stephen Hawking and the Wicked Witch have in common?

If you throw water over them, they both die...

Two of my grandpas died in WW2.

Their tower fell over.

What was Stephen Hawking's last message before he died: "Server shutting down."

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me...

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

Some sperm arrive in the uterus and see that the egg is already fertilized. They complain that they lost the race and have nothing to do but die.

One speaks up and says he isn't angry, and the others ask why.

"He thought he was going to be alive," the sperm says. "This chick works at an abortion clinic."

How Steven Hawking died: because he moved too much during the day and ran out of juice.