And jokes

Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.

In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."

Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

Have you heard about the blind man who saw the accident and the dead man who heard it?

A man walks over to a little boy and asks, "Wanna see my tattoo of a bunny?"

The little boy replies with, "Yes please, I love bunnies!"

The man proceeds to pull his pants down and said, "Can you see it yet?"

The little boy curious says, "No, where is it?"

The man says, "Dig a little deeper, he runs into the hole when he gets scared!"

Q: What is the difference between a stripper and a bungee cord?

A: It's cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much screwed.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change.

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

How do you get 100 dead babies into a tub? Put them in the blender.

How do you get them out of the tub? Give mexicans tortilla chips and tell them theres salsa in the tub.

What's thick, long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber. Lol. I love the way you think.

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

When you’re having the best sex in your life and your grandma says, “I’m not dead!”

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.

A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.

First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.

It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."

He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.

She walks away and says ok.

The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"

Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

A guy saw a person with a duck and said, "Where did you get a pig?"

The owner replied, "It's not a pig, dummy!"

The random guy said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck."

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"

Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

One's a busy ditch.

What is black and blue and really hates sex?

The six-year-old in my basement.

Hey, you know those birds and lizards that feast on decaying flesh?

Oh, sorry, I shouldn't carrion about it.