Thoughtless

In life, some people have it harder than others. Thats why Viagra exists.

I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore. And if I tried it would probably crash and burn. It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

Q: What do gay horses say?

A: Geigh!!!

I just had sex...

I think I nailed it! (shit joke, I know)

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . . .

Why do strippers never care about things?

Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for 20$ an hour.

How did the Emo ask the other Emo out?

"Wanna hang together?"

When can an elephant us an umbrella and not get wet?

When it's not raining.

What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?

A very pissed duck

A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that. "new around here?" said the bartender "nah, been here awile" said the robot Bartender "you can talk?" robot "yeah, pretty cool huh." bartender "why do you want a martini" robot "oh, i'm just in the mood for one, you know?" The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk. The robot seems to be just like a normal human, "wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender "the top minds in the world." said the robot. The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..." Bartender, "what?" "Why did you read this entire story, it does not have a punchline, I just wasted your time, Get bamboozled nerd!"

People ask me, are you an organ donor?

"Yeah, over my dead body."

You do 1 line, you're not a crack head You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic But I murder 1 person...