What has eight legs and doesn’t rape children?
The Jackson 4.
Shower thoughts
Boobs are like friends you have big ones small ones real ones fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer
Boobs are like friends: you have big ones, small ones, real ones, fake ones, but they all get taken out by cancer.
What do you call a guy that's high in a wheelchair?
A baked potato.
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
I saw my sisters masturbating with a cucumbers and hotdogs. I said "Come on that I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like a hotdogs and cucumbers!
I did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf It was only 3/5 full
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan Nothing, no one cares how much led is in those kids
What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?
"Let us pray."
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”
“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”
“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
What’s a German’s favorite drink? Orange Jews. Hundred percent concentrated.
If Joe Biden was on stage and he heard the gunshots, he would’ve probably thought it was the ice cream truck
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
Donald Trump took the bullet better than Joe Biden took the stairs.
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS