Shower thoughts

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Have you ever wondered why you never see a gay guy in a wheelchair

It’s hard to become a vegetable when you’re already a fruit

What’s the difference between a WNBA player and a rotten apple? The apple has a chance to make it into the basket.

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Me walking in to the office: Principle: tell me what u did? Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...