My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.
Shower thoughts
@showerthoughts
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a good body these days?
I think Jeffrey Dahmer had the right idea, just put it in the freezer.
What is the difference between Batman and Black Panther?
Batman returns.
What’s worse than finger banging your sister?
Finding your dad’s wedding ring.
What plate goes to Bikini Bottom?
Malaysia Flight 370.
What do you call a fat chick with a rape whistle?
Optimistic.
All countries will get Covid.
Except China, they got it right off the bat.
What is the difference between me and Paul Walker?
I’ve watched Fast and Furious Seven.
What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?
"I thought what we had was special!"
What’s something Bill Cosby and Freddy Krueger have in common?
Once you fall asleep, you’re fucked.
Life is like a bag of jellybeans.
Nobody likes the black ones.
What do you call a black person in a dark room? Invisible
Why do gay men hate periods?
They prefer Collins.
What do you call a Chinese assassin?
Chinese takeout.
What do you call a fart in a gay bar?
A mating call.
Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?
They hate it when you hand it to them.
I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny.
Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants!
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
For a golfer, Tiger Woods isn't very good of a driver.
You can find perfectly cooked Kobe in a Japanese restaurant, but you can only find burnt Kobe in Calabasas.