Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Shower thoughts
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float
A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.
The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"
The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"
The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
What is the difference between onions and my dead grandma?
I cried when I cut up the onions.
How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.
My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.
He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Doctor: you’ll be at peace soon
Man: am I dying
Doctor: no, your wife is.
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
What is the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
You’ll only need a single nail to hang the picture frame up.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you? Your virginity