Shower thoughts

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Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?

Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.

A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"

My best friend is transgender; she transitioned from a man into a woman. I think it's courageous of her to take a pay cut like that.

What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.