mal 🌸

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto.

What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.

What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.

what do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off

What do priests and McDonald's have in common? They both shove their meat between 10-year-old buns.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is plastic and dangerous for children to play with, the other is used for carrying groceries.

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...