mal 💙

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red and black and white and white and black and red and red and black and red and white and black and red and red and red and red?

A penguin in a blender.

What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The wheelchair.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

what do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.

As I grow older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe tour guide wasn't the right career choice for me...

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

I went to see my dentist, and she warned me it was going to hurt. Then, she told me she was having an affair with my husband. Good news though...the cleaning didn't hurt.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine? Anyone know what he means?

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

I found a chest of gold in my garden the other day. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.